Once again I find myself wondering why people in this grand NOMF™ would call themselves cynics. How anyone could embrace such an optimist Pollyanna world view in a country where the liberal media whips itself into a froth over a missing white kid is not a mystery. It's a pathology.
A few years ago I wrote a story about two teenagers who were shot and killed by a Worstenchit county deputy while attempting to escape while being caught defacing one of those tacky roadside memorials that idiots erect to commemorate some road kill incident involving drugs, alcohol, a motor vehicle, and teenagers.
Although I suggested that killing the vandals was a little extreme and that I'd prefer that deputies spend their time prosecuting idiots who put these eyesores up in the first place, the general consensus was that Nick Dana and Neal Downer "got exactly what they deserved."
Last week a white second grader in Portland went missing during a science fair at his elementary school. He's still missing. The story plays out nightly on the news, all day on the radio, in the papers. Won't you help?
Post flyers! Check your trunk! The trash cans! Be careful when you're mowing the grass! He could be anywhere!
Now they're asking for donations of food for the searchers. They're asking for more tips. They've already received 2,000 tips, but they need more, presumably because there is a Guinness Book of World Records category for the most tips ever received in a case involving a missing second grader.
Searchers are being hailed as heroes, as if everyone no longer remembers what a real hero is, as defined by the former First Idiot, who famously declared that everyone who didn't know what hit them on September 11, 2001, was a hero.
Every day the search area expands, like the imaginary oil spill in the Gulf of Plausible Deniability, and any day now the tragedy will grow even more tragic as a sudden windstorm scatters the millions of missing children posters nailed to power poles and taped to storefronts, distracting an elderly woman who will lose control of her Crown Victoria and crash through a Starbucks, killing a breast cancer survivor and an Eagle Scout.
What the hell is wrong with you people? If this were a black kid from North Portland or an Hispanic kid from Hillsboro who went missing, would there be 24/7 exhortations to pull together as a community to do...what?
I hope my readers in Europe and Asia will join in the search. As I remember quoting an imaginary source at Ohio State University in a story several years ago about a similar search for a missing white college girl at Oregon State University, when asked about why he was searching 2000 miles from the alleged crime scene: "This is where I am. I have to do something."
Read a book, for Christ's sake. Take a shower. Go to southern Louisiana and eat some oil.
Get a life.