...I won't have nothing to do with you, which indicates that nothing is going to change much, but in case you don't take the vaccine and manage to stay human for awhile as the end game approaches, you should consider the rules for surviving in Zombieland, aka the NOMF™, according to Columbus, Ohio, who is not related to Cleveland, Ohio, a character in the first or second issue of DeHumanities, which you probably never have seen.
Besides being one of the funniest movies I have ever seen, Zombieland is the perfect primer for gutless Demoblicans, Republicrats, conservashits, and liberals who are unable to nut up and have at the morons, mental defectives, and maniacal immoralists who have been controlling public intercourse and toxic discharge for several decades. Bring it on, Sarah Sirhan. I got an autograph Lester Maddox ax handle waiting to give you a double tap.
Rational people need to see this movie and understand that it is not merely entertainment. It is a call to arms with a set of clear instructions on how to remain human and take the world back from the birthers and me-maws and shriekers and whiners and all those other disposable so-called intelligent wingbots that delight in reality shows and poopadoodle.
For those of you too pussified to sit in the dark and watch your neighbors in action as non-speaking extras in a film about the next revolution on this continent, let me just list the 32 rules you need to adhere to in the coming months, as the zombie flu spreads like a swarm of high school athletes and cheerleaders soliciting funds for new uniforms across this doomed and tragically comic land.
1. Cardio. Fat fucks will die first and become sloppy zombies who will catch and eat you if you are out of shape, asshole.2. Beware of bathrooms. Fat ugly zombies will sneak into your stall and gnaw on your pubic area.
9. Guns are for hunting, not killing zombies. Clubs, baseball bats, hedge clippers, sickles, running them over, all of these work. Don't waste bullets on zombies, no matter what their party affiliation. They'll eat each other in mutual cluster fucks.
18. Limber up. This rule might be complete horseshit. As Tallahassee notes, you never see a Discovery program with pack or hyenas, lions, or wolves, limbering up.
19. Blend in. If you want to play golf among the zombies without becoming prey, act like Bill Murray. Then again, anyone who plays golf is already a zombie, except for Tiger Woods, who also doesn't limber up.
20. Find the right shelter. Altamount is still an example of the kind of place to avoid.
21. Zombies don't surf. Is that right? Or was that a rule in Apocalypse Now? Maybe the rule is zombies don't climb, but that's also horseshit. They may not be good climbers or social climbers, but they will try to eat you no matter how far up the ladder you attempt to go.
22. Be ruthless, which means, of course, to be without Ruth Underwood, particularly if the zombies have bitten the bitch.
23. God bless the rednecks because somebody has to, and most of them are so stupid and so expendable that they will leave large caches of weapons and ammunition right out in the open in Escalades and Hummers that you can use to blow away zombies. Mission accomplished!
24. No drinking. Where the fuck did that come from? That's bullshit. Fucking ignore that rule. Zombies don't like to eat drunk people because we make them sick.
25. Practice safe hex. Fucking a zombie leads nowhere. Texting may lead you into contact with another marginally intelligent lifeform, but don't bet on it. Keep your security software current as the world ends. You'll thank me for it.
26, Forget about flu shots. What is it about zombie flu that you don't understand?
27. If you believe God loves you, good luck. What exactly has God promised you? Weapons and ammo? I didn't think so. You asshole.
28. Don't forget to register to vote. This is something that Frank Zappa continually suggested to friends and foes, and he died many years ago without returning from the dead with a hunger for living tissue, so he may have been on the right track, although I doubt it.
29. Keep blogging. That's what the world needs now, more than ever, and remember that if you are blogging in the U.S. and writing reviews about shit that nobody needs pimping yourself for a few bucks, the FCC now requires that you disclose your pimpage on your site. Zombies will immediately notice this admission and swarm to eat you, your poor miserable fuck.
30. Make sure you have clean underpants before you leave the house. I have no idea what this rule means or its purpose, so I prefer to wear brown or black jockeys, which I assume accomplishes the same inane mission which is to hide the skid marks of fear and dilapidation.
31. Check the back seat. Did I really have to tell you this?
32. Enjoy the little things. The big ones are going to kill you. They probably already have.
So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the guidance from Columbus, Ohio, and Tallahassee, Florida, on how to solve heath care reform and all the other horse exhaust that seems so insurmountable when you listen to the liberal media and the various poopadoodle pundits.
We are living in Zombieland, and it's time to nut up or shut up.