Employers appear to be happily laying off workers again in support of the Repugnicant strategy to remove the First Negro and his socialist buddies from the White House as the mid-term elections grow near. Unnamed spokespersons for the damned dyspeptically dystopian dysfunctional and dysloyal opposition unanimously refused to dignify our questions about their motives for escalating the ejection of underpaid workers in the run up to the election, despite posting record profits amid clear signs of sustained economic growth solely attributable to the policies of the legislative and executive branches controlled by Obama and the Democratic party.
“That's not fair! We still have the Supreme Court,” an anonymous caller said in a message left on our jail-broken iPhone, “which recently made us more powerful than you pathetic whining small people by expanding our right to purchase the political leaders of our choice. Who are you going to buy?
"When the American people come to their senses and impeach that uppity foreign born Muslim usurper and his ungrateful liberal lackeys, then maybe we’ll start hiring people who can prove they voted for America and against the terrorists to make our burgers and fries.”
Although the Repugnicant super-minority has not been able to sustain the obscene weekly job losses in the unprecedented 700-800 thousand range that they enjoyed during the last two years of the imperial Bush League presidential unpleasantries, they have now managed to add nearly half a million new jobless to the unemployment rolls and homeless ranks for the past three weeks, while manipulating the stock market on a daily basis with computerized bargain hunting and profit taking to spread the wealth among their families and close personal friends.
"This wouldn't be possible," Mitch McConnell said, according to one of our favorite unnamed sources, "if we had been less obstructionist. Just saying no to anything that anyone else proposes or wants to try has been a cornerstone of the Republican contract on America since before the Nancy Reagan made it national policy."
"The recent continuing rise in initial jobless claims makes it difficult for any fiscally responsible Grizzly Mom to maintain confidence in the Obama insurgency and his sinful socialists and suggests that our side should be able to make significant gains in the House and Senate this fall without having to resort to the rule of law when we have to decide an election through voter intimidation and manipulation of voting machines,” said an rich unnamed fat guy who used to advise the Fubar administration, laughing so hard that he almost choked on his tongue.
According to the liberal media, the increase in first time filings of deadbeat dads and moms is indicative of the creation of fewer jobs in a booming economy than at any time since the Pleistocene Era, shortly before the earth was struck by a falling stock market from deep space that plunged the planet into a deep depression from which the dinosaurs never emerged.
On the bright side for American and foreign owned businesses, more Americans and documented aliens agreed to work for less than minimum wage than at any time since God created the United States — approximately 6,000 years ago — but they refused to give the Obama administration any credit for worker desperation, instead claiming that the tax breaks for wealthy job creationists championed by George Bush and his crack economic team of extreme wishers were finally fully realized in the improved business climate in the country today.
"Without the tax breaks," said one trickle-down theorist, zipping up, "the backbone of America would have been used to make soap that Israel was ready to sell to Germany for pennies on the dollar, although that is not out of the question as a sound economic strategy in the outside chance that we can't retain the idiot vote and scare the bejeezus out of the usual illiterate voter to get these liberals to the reeducation centers where they belong come November."