Embattled Yiddish hunk of biblical proportions Anthony "Big Tony" Weiner refused again on Thursday to step down in the wake of admissions that he has a very large penis and that he often uses it digitally to please his virtual constituents, many of whom have no lives at all.
"Am I ashamed that I have a cock that even the late John Holmes would envy, well maybe a little," the congressman admitted in a restroom at Union Square station while an intern from Smoke Signals orally verified that what he was offering was more than an average mouthful.
"But am I ashamed that my cock sometimes makes life a little less unbearable for constituents and possible frequent supporters who can only dream of a meat as hot and firm and delicious as the sausage I offer."
"That said," the defiant Weiner snarled, "I will defend my Second Amendment rights, until you pry it from my virtually cold, cum-covered hands!"