According to several unnamed Vatican sources I made up, the underlying reason for the steadfast refusal of Pope Eggs Bentofdick the Sexteenth and his former friends in the Hitler-Jugend (HJ) to take to any responsibility in the ongoing child sexual abuse scandal that has left forgetful men around the globe with incurable hemorrhoids for thousands of years is that Jesus himself — a Jew killed by his own people for being such an arrogant left-wing socialist prick — told them that buggering the little children is a key to getting in Heaven, which is the ultimate gated community.
Citing the original English version of Mark 10:14-16 in the New Testament of the George Bush version of The Bible, Bishop Aleister Crowley, who spoke only on condition that we not mention his name nor the fact that The Bible was not written in English, no matter what the National Teabagger Party might say, told your esteemed prognosticator of imaginary problems that Jesus obviously loved having anal sex with pre-teens. Hell, doesn't everyone?
According to Crowley, the passage often used by evangelical and other "brain-damaged and eternally damned" Christians to send horny missionaries to remote areas of the planet to serve up some of God's toughest love to young and impressionable holes is meant to be read as ironic, "a coded message to angelic aficionados of fallen flesh, for what else can the creation story tell us, if not that children come into this world soiled and ruined and begging for salvation, which is what the church has been put on this wretched and doomedtEarth to bring them."
To prove how difficult it can be to justify the ways of God to Man with only unscientific fiction to lead the way, Crowley demanded that I print two versions of Mark 10:14-16 and ask my readers which version they are more apt to believe if given the change to appear on America's Biggest Loser or Dancing With The Stars.
The first comes from the King James Beard version, commissioned by an anonymous PBS donor based on a French translation of an Etruscan transliteration of an Aramaic retelling of the original Red State English version widely discredited by pataphysical paleoentomologists who specialize in the biblical canon:
Suffer the little children to come unto me and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of God. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein. And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.
The second example contains the actual sacred American text discovered at an ancient archeological dig in Corinth, Mississippi, in what some scholars believe to be the earliest known drive through Vacation Bible School so far discovered, pre-dating the pyramids of Egypt, which is why no one should doubt its authenticity. Here's what that game-changing first draft of Mark 10:15-16 says in modern English.
I bugger the little children who come unto me and twiddle them hot, for such is the penis of God. Merrily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the penis of God as a little child, will not get hot when I enter therein later on. And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and fucked them for their own good.