In his first public appearance since wrecking his SUV last Thanksgiving when his hyperactive penis got tangled in his snakeskin steering wheel, a flaccid and chastened Tiger Woods apologized for having brought shame to America by going with a sand wedgie when he should have putted.
Speaking to a group of 40 people in Pootang Verdant Beach, Woods took complete responsibility for cheating on his wife with upwards of 400 women, 300 boys, and several dozen forms of wildlife he encountered on the PGA tour in 2009.
His short speech of less than 15 minutes was streamed on the Internet and carried live by most broadcast and cable news networks, reaching an estimated audience of 4.5 billion, many of whom were brought to tears when Woods confessed that he plans to return to golf in the future.
Woods did not take questions so we are left to wonder whether golf's greatest wiener intends to attend next week's health care summit as a Democrat or Republican. He also brushed aside shouted questions about whether he had undergone reproductive organ reduction surgery and precisely how much of his golden boy meat puppet has been donated to the Smithsonian Museum.