Although the Pentagon will neither confirm nor deny eyewitness reports in Islamabad that a sleigh filled with billions in Christmas presents, powered by genetically-altered pro-American reindeer, and piloted by a fat, bearded European with ties to Penn State, slammed into an abandoned mosque last night, unnamed sources in Kansas have told us that such reports are consistent with information leaked from the Predator and Hellfire Command center here, and that grief counsellors have been assigned to the young Christian soldier pilots involved in the incident.
The covert use of drones in Afghanistan, Pakistan, and other mucously Stan-related countries where much of America's oil companies invest their tax savings is widely acknowledged by unofficial sources who are required by non-disclosure agreements to condemn the liberal media for inaccurate reporting that attributes the death of civilians to what are officially termed in press briefing as "surgical procedures which we categorically deny any involvement in. Unfortunate civilian deaths are always the result of the enemy using unarmed non-combatants as human shields."
If confirmed, this latest unfortunate accident can help explain why millions of children in the United States awoke to find no presents under the tree and large tax refund checks in their stockings made out to people they have never heard of who own the houses they are squatting in.
Democrats are accusing the military-industrial complex of a massive cover-up in the downing of Santa as a cynical attempt to deflect public attention from two decades of unnecessary war and massive tax cuts to the wealthiest Americans, which have left 99% of the nation to camp in their cars or sleep in public parks, where they are easy prey to kill hungry police and independent contractors eager to test the latest crowd control technology.