This morning I received a spam message from my old buddy — Osama bin Laden — over at The Daily Show forums that read: “Take that, imaginary man!”
One unnamed witness to the catastrophe told reporters that she and others heard the statue screaming as the flames consumed Him, shouting “Forgive them, padre, for they are stupid honkies from Arizona!” “Truly, I say unto you, that today you will be with me in Valparaiso if the gringos don't catch you!” “My God, My God, it’s hot as hell in here. What the fuck's the matter with you?” “Anyone got a toothpick?” “I can’t believe I’m not butter already,” and “Touchdown! Go for two!”
The 62 foot tall statue was often called Touchdown Jesus because of how His arms were raised as if signaling a score or leaping for an errant pass by Bengals quarterback, Carson Palmer, who could not be reached for comment on the team's prospects for the 2010 season.
The statue stood at the evangelical Hard Rock Solid Church and Café near Interstate 75, just north of Cincinnati, since 2004, as a tribute to the fallen heroes of September 11, 2001. The church was founded by former horse whisperer David Hume Lawrence Bishop and his fourth wife, Esmerelda, who designed the sculpture herself, partly inspired by Bobby Bare’s country classic Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through the Goalposts of Life).
By early morning, Jesus was reduced to a smoking mass of deformed plastic and steel supports as the Hard Rock Solid Gay Choir gathered to sing Heywood Banks’ classic hymn about the statue entitled Big Butter Jesus.
According to unconfirmed reports from unreliable unnamed sources I probably made up, the face of Taliban leader Mullah Omar was seen in an approaching thunderhead shortly before a flash of lightning struck the right hand of the wholly prefabricated top half of Son of God, igniting an inferno that could be seen for miles, prompting hundreds of frantic calls to 911 in vain attempts to save Our Late Savior from a world He never made.
The church itself was untouched by the fire, although audio equipment was damaged in a nearby amphitheatre. The Hustler Hollywood sign for the Miss Mary M. Adult Toy Store across the street was also unharmed.