was having my little hard-on whacked with a ruler in kindergarten shortly after nap time, which was milk time in those distant cave-dwelling days when the Republican party was learning how to master an upright position to hold sway over the ignorant knuckle-draggers who eventually evolved into the Tea-Party movement that we all embrace because them are us in the nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™).
Today, I read that Willow Glen Middle School in San Jose, Californicatia, is being patrolled by police officers in complete SWAT battle array (or am I simply making this up? You decide!) after a student birthed and owned by unnamed conservative Gingrichers reported seeing a hit list on a bathroom wall warning that Osama bin Laden and al Qaeda were planning to fly commercial aircraft into the building because they hate our freedom.
The spokesqueef for the San Jose Unified School District (a socialist sounding and undoubtedly inefficient entity, if I ever heard of one) is named Karen Fuqua (pronounced Fuck Ya). I am only making some of this up. The NOMF is always ready to delight me with new and incredible ways of misrepresenting our imaginary world.
According to the Yahooligan report I read, Fuqua (don't laugh!) was responding to the following scrawl on a restroom wall that indicated a potential for terror was stalking the halls of Willow Glen Middle School, which was previously only known for owning the largest booger collection in California.
I, for one, think it's time to track down former first idiot Fubar Bush to give Ms. Fuqua a Medal of Freedom for doing such a heckuva job in protecting our most precious resources from wacky Talibanis and other pejorative elements of our marginally educable genetic detritus.
I was also thrilled to read that Ms. Fuqua has thoroughly embraced the lunatic excellence of Norm Frinkian logic when she explained her decision not to tell the parents of the students who were not subjected to enhanced interrogation methods or body cavity searches in attempts to track down the person or persons responsible for leaving such a terrifying message in a place where adults would eventually be outraged upon finding it.
"It's a fine balance," Fuqua explained, "between being transparent and working with the police investigation. That's why the parents weren't told. Parents can't be trusted in need to know situations."
I think it's time we expand such jackbooted supervision efforts into day care centers and Vacation Bible School, where I myself was subjected to terrible influences by idiots who forced me to read stories from the old testament that were just fucking awful, cruel, unusual, and without any redeeming social value.
Speaking of places with no redeeming social value, I still live in Oregonadia, the premier community police state in the NOMF, which today was named runner-up to becoming the Avis of states that aspire to the Hertzian heights of wearing seat beats.
You know, the wimpy states, which not only have laws requiring idiots wear seat-belts to ensure that they will burn to death when they roll their vehicles during high-speed escapes to avoid being unfortunately shot and killed while attempting to elude arrest but also are populated by cowardly morons who obey whatever stupid laws they validate by registering to vote.
It turns out that Oregon came in third this year among states in the NOMF with the highest use of seat belts, behind Michigan, which used to build sinfully expensive unsafe vehicles with a lifespan of two years, and Hawaii, which has the nation's shortest interstate highway system.
Special is as special was.