NASA moved space shuttle Atlantis to the launch pad earlier today and locked it in place hoping it will still be there for its planned November 12 liftoff to commemorate the 2003 death of Jane Jetson as well as the heroism of Discovery astronaut Joseph Allen, who single-handedly rescued a communications satellite in the 1984 that went on to turn the Internet into the number one platform for the delivery of adult entertainment to the NOMF™.
Terrorist groups have threatened to steal Atlantis and sell pieces of the aging spacecraft on e-Bay to fund its efforts to rescue Iraq and Afghanistan from rogue elements of the Bush administration hunting-them-downers who have disobeyed Biraq Obama’s order to “just quit with this silliness already and come home.”
Lorraine Martucci, a NASA employee who spoke only on condition of anonymity, said the agency decided to forego the traditional press release in announcing the first official shuttle launch Twitoff by inviting all two million of Miley Cyrus’s former followers to compete for a tour of the Idlewild Space Center and a hot-dog buffet during the launch.
“We want all the Twits out there to see how much further into the future we have gone than ever before in distancing ourselves from the failed postal service policies of the past and other forms of obsolete communication,” Martucci said, blurring her face and slurring her words to obscure her true identity, thereby preventing its theft by unscrupulous stalkers of the liberal media.
“We even sent out invites by e-mail and IM!" Martucci gushed, showing us her brand new iPhone 3G, "We just want everyone to share in the excitement of watching the shuttle not explode during liftoff and hopefully return without disintegrating upon reentry.”
This is not the first time NASA has sponsored Twitoffs, and several astronauts have been Twittering nonsense since early spring because NASA has yet to design a mobile device with a keyboard big enough to use with the enormous airtight Bozo gloves that space jockeys are forced to wear, but this is the first time the agency has held a contest for seats at a launch.
If this promotion works, NASA is hoping to sponsor a contest that appeals to other social notworking sites, such as Facebook, DeviantART, Adult FriendFinder, and Plaxo with the winner being sent on an all expenses paid unmanned mission to Mars.