This is the saddest town I have ever lived near. I'm not Ford Maddox Ford. I'm not even dimly related to Ursula LeGuin, James Beard, Mel Blanc, or any of those Gilmore boys. I did once almost get fucked by someone who claimed to have also fucked Pietro Belluschi and wasn't John Belushi, and I once threatened to sue Katherine Dunn for copyright infringement, but I got bored.
At one point, I was almost charged with computer crime by some of the scumbags in the office of the Multnomah County District Attorney for pointing out possible corruption in the assessor's office while doing my job, and when asked during an interrogation what the county could do to make me shut up, I told the bad guy deputy that he could put a bullet between my eyes or suck his own dick on camera. He chose to do neither.
Norm Frink is the kind of clown this town embraces. You remember Norm. He's the guy who made his name convicting Tonya Harding for somebody whacking another scantily clad skater's knee. According to Norm, everybody is presumed innocent until charged.
That's what makes Portland special. Idiots in power and idiots who support them. What's weird about that?
There are many interesting things within 300 miles of Portland, but people are not among them. This is a town that aspires to becoming slightly more than a shit stain, given the right resources, without acknowledging that such things exist. Consider their OPB offerings. My gas is more intelligent than Think Out Loud or Live Wire, aka Fairies' Home Companion.
Portland is not weird. It is not even intresting, until you remove the people, especially the creative people, most of whom are small, pathetic, and aspire to celebrate the less than ordinary.
Seriously.
Which is something I can't waste my time being.
It is a slovenly town, ruled by firearms and their apologists. The rule of law presides over this pathetic piece of shit that will probably find a way to celebrate its place at the absolute bottom of America's 50 manliest cities, seven slots down from San Francisco, which would probably make it the gayest town in America if it wasn't so homophobic. Consider Willamette Week and it's vendettas against Michael Stoops and the goddamn town's mayor, Sam Adams.
I keep seeing these stupid bumperstickeckers on the cars of Stumptowners that instruct me to Keep Portland Weird. I suspect the stickers were produced by Intel, and the Weird part is a typo for Wired. That's what the search for the perfect TQM program leads to.
As if Portland isn't already wired enough. Pass the meth.