According to rank-smelling informants high on Swedish smegma, tens of thousands of new names have been added to the NOMF™ no-fly list as the government rachets up the fear factor in the wake of a failed Christmas day jock-bombing by a Nigerian spammer.
Authorities are now concerned about rumors that fanatical followers of the Global Insignificant Penis Society (GIPS) are planning to launch of series of attacks on unsightly crotches throughout the country, targeting shoppers at Gap, Old Navy, and Sports Authority outlets like the one where Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab reportedly obtained the fashion briefs, garter belt, and undergarments used in his aborted attempt to detonate the world's first Nigerian Nut Bomb.
An unnamed corpse close to the investigation of what the Obama administration knew prior to the attack refused to confirm or deny that the Department of Homeland Security is considering "rounding up potential enemies of American penile prowess at home and abroad, including feminist cock-teasers, misandrists, SCUM manifesto acolytes, emasculators, cougars in heat, casual castrators, wanker hackers, jones-crushers, nut-crunchers, carpet-munchers, and butch lesbians who have have been known to use stupid guys with tiny dicks as unwitting accomplices to advance their goals of vaginal domination of the solar system."
A review of the National Counterterrorism Center's Terrorist Identities Datawarehouse Entreprise (TIDE, pronounced tidy) database by anti-socialist tweeners related to regular readers of Doctor Faustroll Writes the Wrongs and Elio Emiliano Ligi's New and Improved Uncommon Sense found that the Obama administration had apparently accidentally erased all Bush-era records when it decided to computerize record keeping for the White House garden on the South Lawn where President Bush used to host T-Ball tournaments for the developmentally disabled.
In recent days, there has been a flurry of activity as temporary workers in India, Pakistan, Indonesia, and Mexico have been inputting the name, religion, political affiliation, reproductive status, and original hair color of more than 4 billion individuals, including 300 million Americans suspected of thought crimes against the moral majority.
In the process of identifying and flagging potential jock and panty bombers, however, the TIDE database appears to have been the victim of pranksters who have changed the names of many nations and disparaged various religions while defacing the photos of nearly every electronic record on the planet.
Outrage has been growing in the third world as reports surface that the following countries have been added to the list of state sponsors of terrorism: Semen, Nigearrhea, Salty Iraqia, Tamalia, Intophesia, Malaisia, Yuban, Cuberculosis, Tyronistan, Syrupia, Aflacistan, Algerhessia, Lippanon, Labiya, and Fudgepakerstan.
According to a former White House press secretary who begged us to name her, this kind of pre-adolescent foolishness would never have been allowed during the Bush administration. "Heads would have rolled," she spat petulantly. "We took this kind of thing very seriously. That's why everything was always on the table and why the American people were so much safer then than now."
TSA said Sunday that new screening procedures require that all passengers who have thought about flying anywhere since 9/11 will be subject to random cavity searches "anywhere that people congregate, including residential living rooms where more than three people have assembled for an activity which may lead to violence," including playing video games or watching broadcast television shows.