The old saw is that you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. We all suspect that is horseshit, of course. What about orphans and retards and Republicans and teabaggers? Do you really think they have a choice in who gets to fuck them over and under and around and through? And who is to say they don't enjoy it? They sure look like they do in the liberal media. Take Glenn Beck. Please.
I've never figured out what is so great about having friends. Friends are annoying and distracting, and they often don't live as long as pets, whose loss is often more devastating precisely because animals are more responsive to human needs than humans.
Friends seldom produce results that exceed the effort you expend on putting up with their pathetic bullshit and emotional disabilities. My best friends are dead, and many of them have been dead for forty to fifty years. I no longer even remember where their graves are so I often piss on the graves of people I don't even know.
I published a chapbook by Ralph Adamo some years ago when I had access to a graphic arts lab. The book was called Why We Have Friends. It was part of silly effort called DeHumanities, for which I recruited Charles Bukowski to be our legal advisor. Ralph's book inspired me to write a piece called How to Lose Friends (now I'll have to resurrect it to give you a taste of the sweetness that surpasses cynicism), which has proven invaluable to my piece of mind over the years.
I can't resist putting a Scarface reference in here: "Say hallo to my leetle fren!"
I find the entire Internet process of making friends obnoxious and pathetic. I have several hundred friend requests on Facebook. Most of these requests were made by people I wouldn't pay attention to unless they were roadkill that damaged my suspension, and I would enjoy running back and forth over their bodies while texting the insurance company to sue them.
Don't tell me you wouldn't do the same. Fucking liars and poopyheads!
I was searching my e-mail and online memberships with social media firms earlier today, and I was pleased to discover that at least 30 people who wanted me to be their friend are no longer vertical.
Care to try your luck? I have good tires and a new suspension.