As birthers and creationists froth irrationally while mass debating in public because reality so rarely supports their unjustifiably proud idiocy, scientists continue to unearth evidence that not only is the universe more than 6,000 years old and so mean it couldn't get no meaner, but many human innovations can be traced directly to our dinosaur ancestors in the prehistoric non-obese ages when many beings on this planet really were big-boned.
It is common knowledge, for instance, that dinosaurs were not wiped out by AIDS, despite evidence that many engaged in risky sexual behavior with carnovores they met on the Internet, particularly in the Badlands. Although many still believe that avian stupidity led the lumbering beasts to stand out in a celestial shit storm like the turkeys they eventually evolved into, others firmly believe that sauropods were simply too prosaic and incapable of grasping the cosmic joke being played on everyone and everything in the cosmos, so they could not adapt to comedy and died out, much the way Republicans are doing today. (In the second referenced post, by the way, the first link is broken and should go to this article).
Now scientists at Brigham Young University have uncovered a trove of bones near Golden Arches National Park in southeastern Utah that seems to indicate they were trampled to death during a White Friday Christmas sale that took place more than 125 million years ago. Even more astounding, as archeologists removed the shattered remains of nearly 70 sale-hungry slithering shoppers, they discovered what appears to be a series of Walmart happy faces painted on a parking lot occupying more than 7 acres.
"It was an incredible find," said Dr. Dhuabi Zerios, an unpaid assistant working on the dig, "and really changes our understanding of prehistoric shopping rituals on the North American continent that might explain why so many years later, we are still drawn to stand in long lines and stampede when the doors open to kill one another for a really good deal on snacks and soft drinks that really aren't that good for us in the first place. I think this shows that even the dinosaurs were good patriotic Americans."
According to Gottlieb Goforth, "as many as three or four thousand rabid shoppers tromped across these victims leaving some of their bones completely pulverized. The evidence seems consistent with injuries to other victims in recent Walmart stampedes."
A few skeptics have accused the Salt Lake scientists of a liberal anti-Walmart agenda, noting that the company is embroiled in several zoning disputes across the state. The company refused to comment on reports that it intends to pave several hundred square miles of the state to set up moto-cross and skateboard parks amid a string of fast food drive-through restaurants that would allow young Mormons to eat their way across the state without ever leaving Walmart property.