There is absolutely no reason to get behind the wheel of a modern automobile without having consumed at least a fifth of something 80 proof or better. Anyone with a fundamental grasp of pataphysics knows that God hates water and sent his only misbegotten son to Earth expressly to teach idiots how to transform water into wine and created the Catholic Church to further refine the wine into sacred blood to help its transubstantiational addicts avoid becoming vampires, many of whom are now infected with AIDs because they lapsed in their faith instead of simply walking away from the entire madness that Catholics embrace as part of the sacred ritual, including shoving their potentially rational heads up their asses while doing penance after confessing to shit that nobody really cares about.
As my regular readers know, I started drinking 60 years ago during a wake or a birthday celebration — does it really make a difference? — when I got snockered while downing two or three aperitif glasses of anisette and entertained the assembled precursors of the nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™) with a heart-rending rendition of Ghost Riders in the Sky.
This was back before the NOMF arrived at the blood alcohol content (BAC) as a way of bolstering the growing prison-industrial complex by coming up with arbitrary rules to determine how fucked up people could be in various situations before spending of their lives in jail for choosing to feel happy over being an obedient miserable fuck.
Over the weekend I drove to Boulder, Colorado, and back, according to my credit card charges. I averaged 72 mph during the trip, and as far as I can tell, I was not stopped, not involved in an accident, and contributed more than $800 dollars to local business through my pataphysical stimulus efforts, fueled by God's alcoholic gift to man.
In 2008, 37% of all highway fatalities were attributed to drunken driving, which is determined when one or more of the idiots involved in a lethal vehicular altercation has a BAC in excess of .08.
First of all, I have not had a BAC below .08 in more than 40 years, except for stints in detox for budgetary reasons. I routinely achieve and thrive at .12-.15, and I encourage other miserable fucks to consider the benefits of maintaining an elevated BAC should The Rapture really occur and the Gnarly Old Dude return to separate the saved drunks from the dourly sober losers responsible for so much of the misery in the world today.
Think about it, people. If 37% of fatalities are attributed to driving under the influence, that means that 63% of traffic deaths involved sober assholes, many of whom I would prefer to see banned from the roads entirely. These people are dangerous and totally fucking deluded about their own self-importance.
Please join me in pushing for a national day to recognize the drunks among us who make our roads safe for passage from this world into that. Now, more than ever, we need to root out these sober motherfuckers and revoke their licenses before they kill again.