Here's the final post I made to faustrollwritesthewrongs.today.com before getting locked out. Some Twitterers saw it before it disappeared. Enjoy.
Before I make any more tasteless jokes about the jiztastic death of David Carradine, let me just point out a wonderful irony that appears to have been missed in the liberal media tripping over their schwantzes trying to put the most sordid spin on Carradine's death, calling up images from Naked Lunch and The Ticket That Exploded without actually telling anybody to read the books — Carradine was in Thailand working on a movie called Stretch.
Get it? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
I've put the second amendment daily body county on hold to bring you more breaking nonsense about David Carradine, whose portrayal of Frankenstein in the 1975 cult classic Death Race 2000 launched the career of Sylvester Stallone and later inspired director Quentin Tarrantino to base The Gimp in Pulp Fiction of Carradine's Oscar-worthy performance as a mindless bloodthirsty competitor in the Paul Bartel film that clearly depicted the NOMF™ before anyone had trademarked the name.
Now the imaginary descendants of Kwai Chang Caine want an investigation into whether foul play was involved in his death, joining Carradine's relatives in demanding a less embarrassing cause of death than suicide or an accidental lethal overdose of extreme masturbation.
It seems obvious that foreplay was involved, perhaps lasting for several hours, as the actor poked and stroked until his wrists got numb and the rope tightened around his neck and nut sack and his transcendental pigsticker throbbed and flashed and yearned for peace, love, and understanding, and then there was a great denouement, in which titular titillation tumescentified a planet obsessed with getting high on sticky substances.
In a story published in The Sun in London, a police officer was quoted as saying: "A rope was attached to his neck and also to his penis," a word I have been asked not to use at Today.com.
Carradine is apparently the latest in a line of thousands of famous people who have sought spiritual release through the practice of auto-erotic asphyxiation, with evidence displayed in early hieroglyphics as well as in cave painting from prehistoric times. Historical figures who engaged in the act included the pirate Bluebeard, Jesus, Judges, Napoleon Bonaparte, Emperor Maximillian, Carl Panzram, and Cardinal Richelieu.
Among those in recent times who are rumored to have fucked themselves to death are Mike Awesome, Cheyenne Brando, Vaughn Bode, Phil Ochs, Michael Hutchpence, Herman Goering, Justin Fashanu, Hans Berger, Nelson Rockefeller, and Sylvia Plath.
Beyond the titillation of wondering whether anyone took any pictures and where they will be posted on the Web, I find disturbing undercurrents about the state of liberal journalism in reporting celebrity news. In particular, I think the public should demand authorities investigate whether Grant Peck or Michael Casey, both of the Associated Press, have engaged in mutual masturbatory plagiarism in the course of this tawdry tale of necks and peckers stretched to the limits of good taste.
For instance, here's what Mr. Peck wrote in a story I read on Friday:
Pornthip Rohjanasunand, director of Thailand's Central Institute of Forensic Science, said the circumstances suggested that Carradine may have died performing auto-erotic asphyxiation, which is said to result in a form of giddiness and euphoria — similar to alcohol or drug intoxication — that enhances the sexual experience.
"In some cases it can suggest murder, too. But sometimes when the victim is naked and in bondage, it can suggest that the victim is doing it to himself," said Pornthip, who is considered the country's top criminal forensics expert but who did not take part in the autopsy. "If you hang yourself by the neck, you don't need to much pressure to kill ourself. Those who get highly sexually aroused then to forget this fact."
Here's a passage attributed to Mr. Casey, posted the same day:
Porthnip Rohjanasunand, director of Thailand's Central Institute of Forensic Science, said Carradine may have died attempting a sex act known as auto-erotic asphyxiation — cutting off oxygen to the brain for sexual arousal.
The practice is said to result in a form of giddiness and euphoria — similar to alcohol or drug intoxication — that enhances the sexual experience.