In a cynical election year move designed to win the hearts and minds of Islamic extremists around the world, the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, and Laundromat has proposed a compromise in the growing controversy surrounding the idiot bastard son of People’s Temple founder Jim Earl Jones.
The area around Gainesville, Florida, remained tense this morning as hundreds of thousands of sleeper cells flooded the area on suicide missions designed to finish what Osama bin Laden of Loxley and his Merry Band of outlaw began on September 11, 2001. One sign outside a nearly bankrupt church says: What profit a man in Gainsville to burn a Bible when there’s so much Koran to go around?
Jones has resisted calls to abandon his silly effort to rid the world of Islam by incinerating reproductions of the words of the prophet who once inspired a young man named Cassius Clay to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee, saying if God had meant for Mohammed to be the King of the Jews, He wouldn't have sent him up the wrong mountain.
Even Pope Eggs Benedict, a former commander in the Hitler Youth Corps, has condemned Pastor Jones and his Lonesome Dove followers, arguing that burning the Quran will only inflame the hordes of gay Islamic zombies who still control significant portions of Iraq and threaten to destabilize the entire Central Asian subcontinent.
Jones says he’s not burning The Roberto Quran but its evil twin The Koran which contains satanic messages when you read it backwards. “Listen to this,” he recently shouted to his followers, reading a section of the book that he claimed The Beatles used as the basis for their song Revolution, which allegedly contains instructions for everyone to bury Paul, an apparent reference to the apocryphal Pope George Ringo I who disappeared after beatifying St. Sam Kinison in a ceremony at Christ of the Ozarks in 2004.
The Reverend Darwin D. Grimm, visiting pastor from the Church of the Oven of Peace spoke today at the PPOCLL headquarters in our spacious post office box on Oak Street at the invitation of Dr. Alfred Faustroll, preeminent pataphysician and anti-theologian of our ludicrous lives and times, in an imaginarily magnanimous ecumenical gesture to stave off impending global jihadi nuclear annihilation. Grimm proposed allowing outraged Muslims to burn two Christians for every copy of the Quran set ablaze. Reaction from moderate Islamic leaders was restrained, but positive.
In a related development, Pastor Jones was served papers this morning by the BBC and Whizzo Chocolate Company calling the pastor “an abomination, an embarrassment to the species, and damaging to our brand.” The suit alleges trademark and other violations, including “theft of identity and misappropriation of absurdity” and demands that Pastor Jones — who is apparently unaware that anything is happening here — change his name to avoid confusion with TV documentary host and former Monty Python member Terence Graham Parry Jones.