I know I should calm down and start taking more blood pressure medication (for me that's crystal meth — without it, I'd have no pulse at all), but there is just much NOMF™ lunacy going on that someone needs to fire off a few imaginary rounds, and I'm imaginary enough to carry out the mission.
As I've mentioned in the previous two posts, I found vast deposits of idiocy in section A of the Oregonadian (If it matters to retards, it's in the Oregonadian) on Wednesday, February 24, 2009. In a mere eight pages, the editorial board of this gang of fissionable schmucks managed to mine the nation's immense reserves of idiocy in a stunning display of reportage and suckage that let's you really appreciate the irony of the words between the promo for the rag's Web site and the edition name. Here's what those words say: WINNER OF SEVEN PULITZER PRIZES. I can barely imagine how bad the losers are.
OK. Let me summarize a good day in the pages of the Pulitzer Prize putz-pulling Oregonadian in a series of bullet points that my middle management readers can use in PowerPoint presentations to get things lubed up before presenting a new and improved business case to their pointy-headed bosses. I'll start on page one.
- Corporate bonuses increased 17% in 2009 while teabaggers complained about maybe having to get some free mental health counseling and blamed Obama for Bush era bailouts to companies like AIG, which just reported another huge loss after paying out $100 million in bonuses to Republicans.
- The Portland School District is reconsidering the suspension and branding of an eight-year-old boy for violation of the local education weapons policy when he brought a police action figure to Duniway Elementary. The action figure had a detachable automatic rifle nearly 4 inches long, made entirely of plastic.
- Marion Pringle is 104 years old and needed to renew her Oregasm state ID card, but she was initially denied the card because she could not provide proof of citizenship as required by the Oregasmic community police state in response to 9/11. Oh wait! There's something that 9/11 changed!
On page two...
- Teabaggers in the Specific Northwest are worried that their movement is being co-opted by the endangered Republican party in a cynical attempt to become relevant before the 2010 elections.
- Insignificant Dick Cheney enjoys another heart attack, costing American taxpayers another outrageous sum by refusing to die and continuing to use health care benefits that he opposes for anyone who doesn't agree with him.
On page three...
- Advertising posters for the road show version of Avenue Q are being banned in Colorado Springs, Colorado, because they show the pink furry cleavage of a puppet. I am strangely aroused.
- A couple of Generals tell Congress that they have no problem with changing Don't ask, don't tell, except not during undeclared war time when it might hurt morale.
- Meanwhile, the Pentagon is considering letting women serve in the nuclear-armed underwater penises that protect you and me from spontaneous Orca insurrections.
- Scott Brown, who a couple of weeks ago was hailed as a leading contender for an eventual Republican presidential run after beating out a Democratic retard to replace the dead body of Ted Kennedy, is now considered a traitor to the teabagger movement after allowing Democrats to move forward with a jobs bill for a bunch of welfare cheats and liberals.
On page four...
- Continuation of sage grousing and religious clothing stories from page one that were so boring they didn't even measure on the pataphysical contemptometer.
On page five...
- Democrats are considering whether or not they can risk doing what they were elected to do, and Republicans are betting that they won't.
You know what's gonna happen if we keep uncovering new deposits of stupidity and figure out a way to make it fuel our muscle cars? That's right. We'll be able to buy New Jersey back from the Arabs.
But you suckers still ain't getting nothing.