I am finally feeling better about the NOMF™ and life in general now that Sarah Sirhan Palin has convinced the liberal media that being a bipartisan hack is exactly what the NOMF wants and needs, and who am I to pooh-pooh the notion that a distaff version of George Bush can help end the tight-ass righteous reign of Obamination? At least, I'd have plenty more wrongs to write with that Sarah Palin Simple on the campaign trail.
She'd be at least as much fun as shooing a drunken badger off a highway in Germany and wondering how the hell it made it all the way from Minnesota without getting picked up for DUII.
The second amendment waved at me from the pages of the Sunday Oregonadian in the form of a Comcast advertisement with the smiling face of Shaquille O'Neal and the smrik of Ben Stein beneath the words Locked & Loaded. You know this is the kind of promotion that is heading to the top of the charts with a bullet.
But then I read the story about Mark and Linda Kantorski, who got away with $5,000 in damages at the Hilton Garden Inn in Orlando, Florida, and I began to suspect that Ken Kesey was the original terrorist who inspired Osama bin Laden to make George W. Bush sit in front of an elementary school class reading My Pet Goat while a bunch of tourists used their frequent flyer miles to bring down the World Trade Center.
Lisa Kantorski had received a phone call from the front desk saying the hotel was filling with gas and they had to break out the window with a toilet tanks, smash a mirror, punch through a wall with a lamp, toss a mattress through the smashed window, and get their asses out of there.
According to published reports, Mark thought it felt a little odd to be tearing the room apart, explaining "I’m not one to argue much with her," Mark said. "When you slow down everything, the situation was kind of odd."
Fortunately, Lisa, Mark, and their three children were stopped before jumping out the window when Samir Patel arrived to check on a noise complaint. Manager of the Hilton Garden Inn, Patel told the Kantorskis to calm down, that there was no gas leak, that they had just been punked by al Franqen.
Equally fortunate, Mark is a Indian River County sheriff, or he and his family would probably have had their stupid punked asses hauled off to jail. A police spokeswoman explained that the Kantorskis were not arrested "because he was responding to what he believed to be an emergency."
Jeez, I seem to recall several dozen incidents in which black people and even white people responding to emergencies have been arrested, charged, and convicted of property crimes, but that's why I'm not in law enforcement, I guess.
As it turns out, the Orlando incident follows an emerging pattern of terrorism based entirely on practical jokes that require the complete lack of critical thinking skills that citizens of the NOMF™ pride themselves on. If God had meant for people to be intelligent, He wouldn't have made Americans.
In Arkansas, a motel employee was convinced by a caller to cause more than $50,000 in damages to test the emergency alarms. Guess what. They worked!
In Daphne, Alabama, a Comfort Suites guest was convinced by a caller to activate the fire suppression system at a cost of 10 grand to fight an imaginary fire.
A Hampton Inn employee in Nebraska let a caller talk him into setting off the fire alarm and then talking a trucker into driving his 18-wheeler through the window and into the lobby, because that was the only way to shut the alarm off.
WTF?
Do you begin to see the pattern here? Idiots and phones. They feed off each other.
There is even a Web site called PrankNET, which is devoted to idiots and phones and how to make the best use of them before they self-destruct. It appears that the prank that got the Kantorskis — and can I remind you that Mark is a sheriff? — has been on PrankNET for awhile.
Imagine the horror you might have felt if you were an idiot with a phone, listening to this: "We cannot even access the upper levels until you break out the window to make a negative air flow. ... We’re going to have to ask you to break the window. Don’t worry, we’re moving you into a different room." Would you ask for more ice?
Or would you have been on the other end of the line, laughing your terrorist ass off?