If the NOMF™ didn't exist, would the injustice system be forced to create it?
This is not a post about the boob job Sarah Palin denies she had and demands that the liberal media and this damnable blogospear stop allegificating about so that she can get on with ponderosafying about whether she wants to sacrifice her privacy and privates to pursue the awful responsibility of leading this dying land of yours against the forces of evil, of which you may be an integral part.
If there is anyone who hasn't read or heard or seen a recent report of how Plain and Stupid Sarah was photographed in a tight top that indicated the former governor of Alaska has recently upgraded her own trophy rack, please raise your insignificant penis or snap your thong, because it's the right thing to do, as Wilford Brimley used to say before he had the cosmic lube job he so often dreamed of.
No, this post is actually about English muffins, which are not to be confused with Zappa's rancid muffins. Thomas' English Muffins are known for their fabulous nooks and crannies that capture globs of melted fats and sweet syrups, while Zappa's Muffin Man was notable primarily for an extended guitar solo, a driving bass line, and Frank's low-grade vocals.
As it turns out, only seven executives associated with Thomas' English Muffins knew the secret recipe that make those tasty toasty morsels so perfect for slathering with butter and splattering with jam and honey, or used as the basis for tiny pizzas to earn Boy Scouts merit badges or sell to the senseless during tasteless fund-raisers.
And one of those guys — Christopher Bomboni Good Nookie Botticella — recently left the company who makes Thomas' English Muffins to join Hostess Brands Inc., a company previously known for providing Dan While with the Twinkie defense after shooting a gay guy named Harvey Milk in San Francisco before killing himself in Oregon by rapidly ingesting more than 12 loaves of Wonder Bread and washing it down with a case of 40 ounce bottles of Rainier Ale.
So where do the bimbo lawyers fit into all this ordinary pataphysical madness? The Thomas brand is owned by a Mexican company called Grupo Bimbo SAB, aka The Bimbo Group Social and Athletic Bunch. Its Whoresham, Pennsylvania, subsidiary — Bimbo Bakeries USA — is apparently unwilling to risk the chance that Good Nookie might use his intimate knowledge of muffin manufacturing chemistry to compete directly and unfairly against the mighty Thomas line of crusty nook and cranny goodness.
"Botticella could produce an English muffin that might look a bit different, but that would nevertheless possess the distinctive taste, texture and flavor character that distinguish the Thomas' English Muffin and that have been the foundation of the product's success," the Bimbo lawyers argued in a brief submitted to the 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals.
U.S. District Judge Paul-Roy Beaner issued an injunction in February barring Botticella from taking the job at Hostess until the Bimbo court filing is settled. Botticella appealed to the 3rd Circuit claiming Bimbo discriminates against Italians with no criminal ties.
Meanwhile, attempts to reach Sarah Palin for comment on whether she objects to being associated with a battle over the secret formula to a yeast-based product known for its nooks and crannies were largely unsuccessful, primarily for our lack of trying.